I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
