He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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