we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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