Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
