I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
