I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There r osticjed everywhere
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
