Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
