Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
