If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
