there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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