I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
