Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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