This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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