Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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