you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
