mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
