sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
