god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
