I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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