It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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