Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
