i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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