If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she told me i tasted like america
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
