Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
