I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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