Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
