Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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