please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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