I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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