I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
