After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
