By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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