My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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