I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
