I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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