so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
