I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
