Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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