Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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