I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he thought i was a dude.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He shit in the fireplace
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
