he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can't turn off my feet"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
