If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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