He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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