One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
