It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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