his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
