He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
