i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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