Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
