Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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