oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
