anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
