I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
